| The story is told of a man who found a butterfly cocoon.
A small opening appeared and the man watched for several hours as the
butterfly struggled to force its body through the little hole. When
it appeared that the butterfly had made all of the progress it could
make, the man decided to help the struggling butterfly. He took scissors
and cut off the remaining bit of cocoon. The butterfly emerged easily,
but it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man expected
that the wing would eventually enlarge and be able to support the butterfly
in flight, but it was irreversibly damaged and never able to fly. It
needed the restriction of the cocoon and the struggle to force the fluid
into it wings to be equipped to fly.
Enabling is a term most often associated with “help” offered to chemically dependent individuals (i.e., lying for the addict to avoid the consequences of addiction), but can describe the kind of “helping” lent to anyone that is not really helpful at all. The difference is often not clear, but generally speaking, helping is doing something for people that they are not capable of doing for themselves; enabling is doing something for people that they could, and should, be doing themselves. |
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| For example, suppose your 21-year-old daughter works a minimum-wage job and pays minimal rent to live with you. For Valentine’s Day she buys an expensive gift for her boyfriend which leaves her short of money. She tells you she cannot pay February’s rent. There is always reason to be loving to family and friends, but the loving thing to do is not always what it seems. |
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| Looking at her future, is it really loving to allow your
daughter to abandon her responsibility? Waiving her rent may seem gracious
and make her temporarily happy, but it may also be crippling in the
long run. That she is an adult still living with her parents may be
a clue to her level of responsibility, but that she would choose to
spend her money frivolously instead of meeting her obligation to you
is a glaring red light. The loving thing to do is whatever helps the
person to be the best person he or she can be. You may want to express
both your love and the concern you feel with what the person wants you
to do. (“I love and respect you too much to contribute to your
irresponsibility.”)
There is a distinct difference in the feelings that result from being truly helpful and enabling someone. Genuine helping most often results in warmth and good will toward the person you have helped, as well as a sense that you have fostered success. Enabling often leaves you with resentment and a sense of having been used or manipulated. When we enable someone, we must determine what we are gaining from the enabling, because we would not continue otherwise. Sometimes it is the fear of a loved one being angry or abandoning us. Sometimes it is settling too comfortably into the martyr role, the poor-poor-pitiful-me-I-do-so-much-for-others-and-just-get-dumped-on syndrome. Neither motivation is healthy and can lead to emotional and physical illnesses. We would never wish for struggle or pain in our loved ones’ lives, but sometimes struggles are exactly what people need. Taking away consequences or removing hardship from a loved one may well be removing their most powerful tool for learning and growing. |
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