| According to a Katherine Griffin Reader's Digest article,
over one hundred studies have shown that people with strong social networks
have an increased chance of surviving life-threatening illnesses, have
stronger and more resilient immune systems, suffer fewer physiological
consequences of stress, and live longer than people without social supports.
People with a wide range of friends are also less likely to experience
depression, anxiety, and other mental disorders. Research at the National
Empowerment Center indicates that the most important factor in recovery
from mental illness is the presence of people who believe in the person
and give him or her hope.
Making and keeping friends can be one of the most rewarding experiences
in our lives, and yet, for a variety of reasons, it can be a difficult
proposition for many people. Some people feel they are too busy to
invest the time and energy and others simply lack relationship skills.
There are no hard and fast rules, but the following tips can contribute
to healthy and rewarding friendships.-
- Like yourself first. If you don't value yourself,
you probably don't believe anyone else could truly like you. This
is a shaky foundation for any relationship. Work on self-esteem
by treating yourself well - eating a healthy diet, getting plenty
of exercise and rest, affording yourself the same compassion and
forgiveness you extend to others - and conduct your life honorably.
- Develop a variety of interests. This will provide opportunities
for connection with a wider range of people and will make you a
more interesting person that others will enjoy being with.
- Communicate openly. It sometimes feels risky to share
dreams and disappointments with another human being, but these are
the interactions that lead to long-lasting and satisfying friendships.
Once trust has developed in a friendship, the risk will seem less
daunting. Be careful, however, to not commit the "TMI"
(too much information) mistake. Tell a friend important pieces of
information, but don't bore them to tears with minute details or
share details that cause them discomfort or squeamishness. Watch
the response so you can know if this is the right time or the right
subject for the person you are talking to.
- Demonstrate good listening skills. Listen carefully to
what the other person is saying and show that you are paying attention
through eye contact, body languages and brief, encouraging comments.
If you are a million miles away, or focusing only on your response,
or sharing "I can top that" stories in response, chances
are people will not seek out your friendship.
- Take equal responsibility for the friendship. If friendship
is a bank, you cannot be making all of the withdrawals OR all of
the deposits. At some point, someone's account will be depleted.
Both friends need to initiate contact, plan for shared activities,
and provide equal support.
- Establish and honor boundaries. Friends commonly set limits
around the amount of time spent together; the type and frequency
of shared activities; the preferred time, frequency and length of
phone calls; topics of conversation; and physical touch. For example,
I came from a hugging family. I am used to hugging often and robustly,
but not all of my friends feel the same. I have to take special
care to remember and honor that boundary in others.
- Be there in good times and in bad. Sometimes friendships
are formed because of shared problems, but being limited to problem-solving
or "woe is me" discussions will eventually starve a friendship.
Set aside time for activities that are enjoyable. Conversely, do
not become a "good time" friend only. I remember an acquaintance
talking about the death of her child and how her friends began to
avoid her. She was devastated. Even though she understood that they
were afraid of her pain, and perhaps the acknowledgement of mortality,
it hurt her that they were unwilling to get past their own discomfort
in order to support her.
People seem to have a natural need for friends and, as research has
verified, with good reason. Whether in good times or bad, accomplishments
or struggles, good friends and supporters can make all the difference
in the human experience.
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