Roadblocks to Self-esteem

The road to self-esteem is riddled with potholes and those who practice the "you-tell-me" and "if only" methods occupy the deepest ones. The "you-tell-me" folks gauge their worthiness by the opinions of other people, a perilous practice that deposits much of one's personal power into others' hands. This belief states that if you like me, then I am wonderful; if you dislike me, I am nothing. Then there are those who believe they would like themselves "if only"…if only they were better looking, weighed less, had more money or a better job. Loving and accepting oneself is kept just beyond reach, because genuine self-esteem has little to do with looks or occupation.

The book What Teens Need to Succeed devotes a chapter to adolescent self-esteem, but the list of cardinal mistakes of self-esteem can apply to people of all ages. Comparing yourself unfavorably to others. This is a useless practice. You will always find someone who appears smarter, handsomer, prettier, funnier, or luckier than you. We are all equally valuable and have our own special gifts. Thinking you must please everyone. This is an exhausting and impossible proposition. It is a setup for failure and low self-esteem. People who try to please everyone rarely please anyone. Using negative self-talk. When was the last time you said to yourself, "I learned a valuable lesson that will benefit me in the future," instead of "I am so stupid. I made a terrible mistake."? Self-talk, the messages we give ourselves, can profoundly affect our self-esteem. Setting unrealistic goals for yourself. Biting off more than you can reasonable chew leads to consistent failure and sabotages your opportunities to succeed. Adjust your expectations of yourself to allow room for accomplishment. Looking for THE meaning of life. Life is not a meaning, it is an opportunity. Do not sit around waiting for the grand scheme of things to unfold so you can find your special niche - forge ahead. You will inevitable have many meaningful experiences in your journey. Being bored. If you are bored, it is probably boring to be with you. It is especially unattractive to announce to others that you feel you have nothing to do or have no special mission. If you have nothing to do, don't do it in company. Using self-congratulatory mantras to feel good about yourself. Repeating to yourself over and over that you are loveable and worthy is a mind trick. It may momentarily help you feel good about yourself, but has no staying power. Most of the roadblocks to self-esteem mentioned so far have a common denominator: they lay the burden of self-esteem on forces outside of ourselves. The good news is that the power to build healthy self-regard lies within each of us, and taking action, not sitting around waiting for it to happen, is the key to accomplishing this goal. Self-esteem comes from accomplishment, from believing in our ability to do what we set out to do, and from acquiring the traits we most value in others: trustworthiness, honesty, tolerance, kindness, generosity of spirit. It appears as a by-product of conducting our lives in a loving, responsible manner. Instead of waiting to feel good about ourselves to become the kind of person we respect and value, we must understand that self-esteem is a feeling that follows, not precedes, esteemable actions and live our lives accordingly. The result is self-esteem that is genuine and deserved.